


Turn Your Gays

by kikiwrites



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: F/F, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, Melanie can punch Elias a few times, No beta we kayak like Tim, Sort Of, absolute crack, as a treat, at all, not cannon compliant, pls don’t take this seriously, spoilers through season 5, the power of The Gay is enough to end the eyepocalypse, treated a bit too seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:00:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25759987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kikiwrites/pseuds/kikiwrites
Summary: “See, you misunderstood me earlier. I did not ask the Ceaseless Watcher to turn its ‘gaze’ upon you, as in g-a-z-e, but ‘gays,’ g-a-y-s. Funny enough, our patron was happy to oblige on that front.“
Relationships: Basira Hussain/Alice "Daisy" Tonner, Georgie Barker/Melanie King, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 7
Kudos: 109





	Turn Your Gays

**Author's Note:**

> My one (1) brain cell fires and created this absolute crack theory about how to fix s5. My friend told me I had to write it since I brought it into the world, so... here we are
> 
> Anyway, this is not canon compliant at all. Please don’t take it too seriously

“Ceaseless Watcher,” Jon began, feeling the power crackling in his voice like static, “turn your gaze upon this wretched thing-“

“You honestly think that will work?” Jonah asked with a mocking grin. “Do you think you’re so important that the Eye would choose you? That it would harm its oldest servant at your call? It’s quite sad-“

A hand clamped down over Jonah’s mouth, stopping his words in their tracks. Before he had a chance to react to this new development, a fist connected with his gut. Through blurry vision, he saw Melanie King before him, smiling like she’d just gotten the best gift in the world. 

Melanie pushed her sunglasses up. “Don’t need to see to aim for that smug voice.”

“Hello Georgie, Melanie,” Jon said calmly. “Right on time.”

“Wouldn’t miss this for anything,” said the figure behind Jonah, Georgie Barker presumably.

Jonah attempted to fight back against Georgie’s grasp, prepared to throw an elbow into her ribs, but the click of a gun near his head made him reconsider.

“Wouldn’t try that,” said Basira. 

Another gun clicked on his other side. He didn’t need the power of the Beholding to know it belonged to Daisy. “It won’t end well.” 

“How did-“ Jonah was at a loss for words for once. It was not a feeling he liked. “I didn’t See-“

“No, you didn’t,” Jon said. “See, you misunderstood me earlier. I did not ask the Ceaseless Watcher to turn its ‘gaze’ upon you, as in g-a-z-e, but ‘gays,’ g-a-y-s. Funny enough, our patron was happy to oblige on that front. Arranged some quick transport from an… unlikely ally.” From a yellow door in the back of the Archive that Jonah was certain had not been there before, Helen gave Jon a wink and a wave. She appeared to be enjoying the spectacle. “And here we are. Seems even the Eye is tired of playing your little game.”

“Really, you seem to have a hiring type,” Martin said. “An archive full of angry, manipulates, traumatized gays, you must’ve realized that would backfire at some point.”

“You realize harming me won’t solve anything, right?” Jonah stammered, eyes flicking wildly between the furious women surrounding him. “I told you before, kill me and all of you die-”

Melanie threw another punch to quiet him. Judging by the pained sound Jonah made, she knew she’d hit close enough to her mark. “Oh quit bluffing.”

“Maybe hurting you won’t fix the world,” Basira said, “But damn if it won’t feel good.”

“Are you willing to take that chance?” Jonah stared at Jon in a way that once would’ve felt like holes being burned through him. Now it held all the force of a half dead fly buzzing at his ear. “You would risk the one you love just for a little satisfaction?”

Jon laughed. “The fact that you even bring that up tells me you’re desperate. And if you’re desperate, you know you’ve lost.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Oh fuck off,” Daisy said, pushing her gun closer to Jonah’s head. 

“Listen, this… banter is fun and all,” Georgie cut in, “but if I’m not back to feed The Admiral soon, he will come through Helen’s door and eat all of us, so can we get on with it?”

“Right.” Jon fumbled in his pocket and pulled out a lighter covered in a web pattern. “Martin, as much as the Beholding has helped us these past few minutes, I don’t think it will be too keen on lighting this place on fire, so I will need you to do the honors.”

“Got it,” Martin took the lighter from Jon. The fear in Jonah’s eyes told Jon they would all be just fine.

“One last thing,” Melanie said. She pulled her fist back and clocked Jonah in the face. 

Georgie gave an encouraging cheer. “Nice one, babe!”

Melanie shook out her hands like a boxer after a fight. “Alright, I’m good.”

The others, however, weren't quite finished. Basira kicked Jonah in the knee. “That’s for getting me tied up in this shit.” She kneed him a little higher up. “That’s for leaving Daisy in the buried.”

“Are we all good now?” Jon asked.

With a chorus of yeps and all goods, Daisy and Basira lead Melanie back to Helen’s door. Georgie lingered behind to hold the struggling Jonah in place.

Martin pulled a crumpled stack of papers from his backpack. Jonah’s statement, the one that had started it all. He hadn’t wanted to keep it. He wanted to throw it in the fire the day the Eye appeared in the sky. But now, he was glad he’d carried it here. He couldn’t help but feel there was poetry in the moment he flicked the lighter and let that damned statement ignite. 

The effect on Jonah was instantaneous. He fell out of Georgie’s grasp, screaming and cradling his head. The effect on Jon was… nonexistent. Martin and Jon had agreed long ago that this had to happen no matter what cost to Jon, and Martin knew he couldn’t hesitate. He was more than a little relieved to see Jon not crumpled over like Jonah. Neither of them had been the type to enjoy watching the suffering of others, but after everything, they couldn’t help but at least think this was justice. 

Jon took Martin’s free hand and gave it a quick squeeze. “Let’s end it.”

Martin kissed Jon on the cheek and dropped the burning statement. It didn’t take long for the spark to spread, devouring statements that had long since fallen off the shelves. 

“Come on,” Martin pulled Jon towards Helen’s door. Georgie followed just behind them. All six of them took a moment to watch as Jonah’s empire burned, unsure what to do next, where to go, what the world would be when the Archive was nothing but ash.

Martin, however, knew exactly what to do. He cleared his throat loudly enough that Jonah’s attention snapped to him. He waved goodbye with a single, choice finger, and pulled Helen’s door closed. And that was the end of the Archives.


End file.
